mindtriage

Some Peaceful

2009-07-21T13:15:00.000-07:00

I just called and got an appointment to talk to a Therapist friday.

PTSD

2009-07-20T12:41:00.000-07:00

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a type of anxiety disorder that's triggered by a traumatic event. You can develop post-traumatic stress disorder when you experience or witness an event that causes intense fear, helplessness or horror.

I'm having some problems with this right now. I had to call my husband to meet me at the park today because I was walking Ayla and started crying, shaking and just...couldn't STOP. I felt completely terrified.
It's hard to explain.
The other night Jerry was watching a show where a couple's little girl disappeared.The mother was on the News crying and pleading,"Please, somebody help us!"
Suddenly, it was MY voice, that morning in the hospital, pressing the call button, pleading,"Please, someone help us"
One of the horrors of it was that you're in a hospital, teams of Nurses and Doctors come running to Codes to save the life of your loved one. No one was coming to save Isaac. You realize that...you're only in there waiting for him to die and that's what's happening, what's going to happen. Then, it happens.

I'm not myself. I'm hyper emotional. l feel terror and fear out of proportion to the event that's happening. I can't help it right
now. I wouldn't leave my house if I didn't have to take Ayla out for exercise. I hate being around strangers who probably think I'm some insane, crazy person. I went through something horrifying and I WAS completely helpless to stop it. It wasn't that long ago. The first few months I was just numb. I'm starting to FEEL those things NOW, to remember. It's hard and I'm doing the very best that I'm capable of doing right now.

I just counted the rabbits in my front yard..36! I took this

2009-07-19T22:43:00.000-07:00

I just counted the rabbits in my front yard..36!
I took this awhile ago. It's just a small section of the backyard that I could get
through the patio door. You can even see a squirrel or two louging with the bunnies.
They're everywhere! No wonder my yards are the most popular eatery in "town" for the
little coyotes and other predators!
Sorry about the dog drool and nose prints on the window *L*

Baguettes and Penguins

2009-07-19T17:57:00.000-07:00

"Penguin Princesses" These are what I call the very young girls who, even in 112 degree temperatures, wear jeans so tight that they literally cannot bend their knees to walk. So they have this very odd, side to side gait that makes them look like groups of little penguins waddling along sidewalks and malls.
I was approached by a group of these penguin princesses in the Deli section of the grocery store today. I had just had a lovely swim and laid out and felt...good.
"Um, ewwoohhh,yuh, excuse me? Like, where's the baguettes?"
"All of these...are baguettes"
"Ewwwohhh, yuh, like, ALL of them?"
"Yes"
"Ewwohhh, um, like, soooo, what one do I buy?"
"Well, what are gonna' do with it, serve it with?"
"Ewwwohhhh, like, you mean,with dinner or whut?"

"eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"
This is a sound I've recently started hearing in my brain at the base of my skull where the headache starts.
I'm convinced it's my brain trying to run away and only succeeding in going round and round the inside of my head on a rusted, squeaky, neuron wheel.
Me, feeling panicky,"EXCUSE ME, Counter man, guy! Yes! Uh, could you please help these young ladies in their selection of a ...BAGUETTE?! Great! Thank you SO much!"
As I'm walking away..."Ewwohhh, so like, are ALL of these baguettes?"
"eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEE"

Life is but a Dream

2009-07-19T12:52:00.000-07:00

My birthday has come and gone this week. The best gift was seeing this place with new eyes or I should say with old eyes again. When I first moved here I spent six months just taking pictures of oak trees, squirrels and rabbits. I was so enthralled by the smallest things here. Sometimes we need a reminder of how lucky we are. To hear that this place is indeed, a dream.
I sat out yesterday and saw the barrels and pots full of wildflowers and herbs. The yard was full of little rabbits that after a first scatter all come back to nibble grass near your toes. The baby birds in the tree above the patio have just feathered and are practicing their flying skills. They go at ground level from tree, to bench, to fence and back. They make me laugh because I can almost hear them saying, “Whew, dis flying thing is vewy HARD!”
Dozens of dragonflies are drawn to the water and they shimmer like small fairies circling the yard. Hummingbirds with their ruby throats hover to drink from tiny flowers. We saw a baby coyote in the pasture that couldn’t have been more than 12-16 weeks old, playing in the sun. Today it seems like an illustrated page from a child’s fairytale, an idyllic dream.

Thanks Mom

2009-07-15T17:03:00.000-07:00

Even if I seem tired, I'm always SO happy to spend time with you. You make me feel
loved and special. I'm always able to just relax with you and never worry about anything.
I couldn't have wished up a better mom and I love you.
PS. You know I've always thought you were beautiful but you look fabulous!

Thank you mom.

Just Ears

2009-07-15T12:45:00.000-07:00

Evening

2009-07-15T08:43:00.000-07:00

True That...

2009-07-14T13:14:00.000-07:00

Toujours Espoir

2009-07-13T14:41:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading a very depressing book about the life of Marilyn Monroe.
I’d never known too much about her. Like many people I’d always thought of her as having an innocence, a childlike quality, a little girl kind of wonder. I finished the book disliking her. Or perhaps I should say that I closed the cover knowing I wouldn’t have respected her.
Marilyn seemed to be a “victim”, always waiting for someone to save her from herself. She abdicated from the responsibility of choosing to be well. She stayed high on hopelessness, fear and insecurity. She exhausted the people around her with a constant, unnamed need.
I guess it’s beyond my understanding how someone can reach a certain age without realizing that no one comes to save you. That no matter how loving or well-intentioned or concerned people are for you, salvation and happiness aren’t in anyone else’s power to give. We all go through hard times, depression, loneliness, and fear. We each have to be the one to decide for ourselves that we WILL put one foot in front of the other and move forward. Sometimes we move more slowly and painfully than we’d like to, sometimes life is more darkness than light, sometimes pain grips our hearts until we can’t breath, sometimes we need to know that someone hears us, but no one else can move forward for us.
I think this was something, once it was too late, that Isaac was finally starting to realize. There’s no one to blame, no one “makes us” anything, Happiness IS a choice.
It may seem slow to y’all, but I do move forward, I do reach for my happiness. Tonight the sun will fall to darkness but tomorrow it will rise again and I’ll choose to let my heart rise with it.